Lesbian 101

Why Isn’t Anyone Stalking Me?

I was having a quiet morning, sipping my coffee, when I heard my e-mail box ding with alarm. Actually, it was just a regular e-mail “ding,” but it sounded alarming to me. Maybe it was alarming because my girlfriend had declared a veil of silence when we woke, so I was forbidden from speaking, or making any other Jennifer-related noise (i.e., humming, slamming cabinets, crying out in pain, etc.).

My girlfriend has gotten into the habit of shushing me in the mornings. Her official position is that she needs quiet in order to complete work assignments. But I know it’s just that my incessant chatting and giggling annoy the hell out of her. Read the rest of this entry »

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

Today, I received an e-mail from a woman I don’t know asking me to set up a friend of hers. I’ve never met either of these women—never even heard of them—and yet they’ve charged me with the task of playing matchmaker.

They learned of me through the somewhat moldy grapevine that is always threatening to strangle the greater Midwest lesbian community. These women live three states away from me, and somehow managed to hear of my remarkable matchmaking skills. Read the rest of this entry »

10 Years

I moved into my first condo on September 10, 2001. That night, my then-girlfriend and I shared a bottle of champagne with two friends, and looked in despair at all the dreadful wallpaper we had to strip from the walls. The sadist who sold us the place had covered every inch of the place—including the electric sockets—in jungle print wallpaper. My girlfriend and I had taken the coming week off to strip the condo clean of the awful stuff.

It was my first condo, and my first time living with a girlfriend. I was young, and filled with hope and anxiety. Read the rest of this entry »

An Ill Wind with Great Hair

I was awakened this morning by an ill wind. This wind was covered with fur and teeth. This wind has a name: Fredo and Livia. They are my miniature schnauzers, and they are a pair of thugs. They wake me each morning by slapping me with their oversized panda paws.

The attack this morning seemed particularly brutal and urgent. I grabbed Fredo by his deceptively sweet face, and asked, “Do you sense a hurricane or tsunami, or are you just being a bastard?” Read the rest of this entry »

The Annulment

A couple of strange things happened recently: (1) I was asked to discuss my sex life while buying a new car; and (2) My ex-husband asked me for an annulment.

Let’s start with the car. Last week, I traded in my Subaru Outback for the 40-miles-per-gallon Ford Fiesta, because (1) I believe in America; (2) I believe in saving the environment; and (3) I believe in parties…errr, hence, Ford Fiesta.

I bought the car at the small dealership in a small town where my girlfriend and I take our cars to be serviced. So, everyone at the dealership and in town knows us, and knows that we’re “deviants” (their word, not mine). Read the rest of this entry »

Someday My Prince Will Come

I am writing this column in my head while standing in a two-hour line at Disneyland to meet some $%#$^#*! Disney princesses with my 4-year-old niece, Danielle.

Before we entered the line, Danielle required a costume change. Now, like the 5,000 other cranky children standing in the relentless sun, she is dressed in an elaborate princess costume, and carrying a magic wand.

I want to use the wand to smack the hell out of all the screaming, crabby, badly-behaved children in this line. But, apparently, you are not allowed to smack children at Disneyland—just another reason to hate this place. Read the rest of this entry »

Good News for Bus Riders

I’ve witnessed some shocking behavior on public transportation. I’ve sat next to people who have peeled off their socks, and then trimmed their toenails by gnawing at them with their teeth. I’ve shuddered in disgust as riders with drippy noses have used bus windows as their personal hankies.

As a result, every time I board a bus or a train, I get the sensation that I’m stepping onto a giant, rumbling virus.

Despite the occasional explosion of bodyily fluids, it’s usually a quiet journey. Until recently, I never have heard much chatter among passengers. So, I’ve been left alone to stare quietly out the grimy windows, and build a healthy fantasy life involving Diane Sawyer, a giant jar of Marmite, and me. Read the rest of this entry »

Brand Loyalty

I am sitting at my desk at work, waiting for a phone call from a woman I’ve been courting. I have been doing so all day. She was supposed to call me last Friday, but she didn’t.

“Maybe she’s trapped in a car underwater, screaming out my name,” I told myself this morning, full of hope that she’d escape her watery grave, and call me today. But it’s almost 5 PM, and she hasn’t called.

Throughout the day, I did the things you do when you’re waiting for a call from a girl. I picked up the phone every five minutes to see if it was working. Then, I checked voicemail to make sure she didn’t call while I was testing the phone line. I walked away from my desk in hopes that if I played hard-to-get, she would call. I phoned my parents, and was nice to them, praying that God would reward me for being a good daughter. Read the rest of this entry »

OWN This Year 2011

Happy New Year, peeps! This will be a very exciting year, because, as you all know, it will be the final year of The Oprah Show. And, just like Oprah, I’m planning on some big changes, too.

No, I will not be ending this column, though I really should. But I will continue to plod on, telling you ridiculous, poorly-written tales of lesbian life, until (1) I find a rich patron who is willing to pay me millions for penning witty Facebook posts; or (2) I’m fired. So, you’re stuck with me. Sorry. Read the rest of this entry »

Evolution of Love

I was at home sick last week, which gave me lots of time to catch up on daytime TV. One show that featured a portly, mustachioed faux therapist was about how people evolve from relationship to relationship. This made me really happy, because I always have wanted to grow a tail, and I’m pretty sure the only way to get one is through evolution. Read the rest of this entry »

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