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The Perfect Pride Party

By Lavender June 2, 2011

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Party planning can be such a bitch. As Pride Weekend approaches, the pressure is on:

(1) Rainbow jewelry, party invitations, and tablecloth. Check.

(2) Balloons and bubble machine. Check.

(3) Lady Gaga CD. Check.

(4) Jello shots chilling in the fridge. Check.

(5) Trip to Costco. Check.

You’ve planned your party down to the last detail. Nothing can go wrong. Right?

Au contraire, mon ami!

Every host and hostess should be prepared for the possibility that someone at your Pride party may have too much to drink.

One sign to be on the lookout for is guests doing face-plants into the onion dip. Also, be alert for telltale little audio clues, such as, “OK! Whosh got my pants?”

If a person becomes drunk, you must try to get him or her to eat something, and drink black coffee.

The reason for the black coffee is, of course, that no one livens up a party quite like a wide-awake drunk.

So, how does one end a Pride cocktail party?

Even when you put the ending time on the invitation, you usually find there are a few hangers-on who are having such a good time, they forgot or want to forget that it’s time to go home.

There’s not much you can do to encourage people to leave. It’s unfriendly to close the bar, and just as unfriendly to say you are weary, and want to go to bed.

That is especially true if the problem drinker is still lurking around. It’s common knowledge that he’ll insist on going to bed with you.

I suggest that you tell the mindless idiots—I mean, “late guests”—that you’d like to go out for a late-night breakfast.

I have found that a slightly less polite—but much more effective—method of dealing with such people is to casually set them on fire.

Of course, there is no way to ensure that your Pride soiree will be incident-free. Faces will land in onion dip. Someone will barf on your petunias.

But, consider the source here: I think your most important party detail is:

(1) Prearrange plenty of designated drivers. Check.

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.
Happy, Safe Pride!

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