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The Iceman Cometh

By Lavender March 24, 2011

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Scientists named him Iceman because he was frozen to death 5,300 years ago, and entombed by a glacier. They also chose that name because of a hunch that calling him Vanilla Ice or Ice Cube would seem flippant, and make it tougher to get their mitts on a huge research grant.

Now, more than two decades after German hikers discovered the thawing body in the Alps—because of the odor, they thought they had stumbled upon a bachelor’s refrigerator—leading forensic experts believe they know how Iceman died. They said in a report that because of a fractured jaw and broken ribs, he was likely beaten by rivals before crawling off to die.

The lone dissenter was the representative from the highly-respected Los Angeles Coroner’s Office, who is of the strong opinion that the injuries can point to only two possible scenarios: the 5,300-year-old man was either thrown from a lime-colored Plymouth Duster during a drug deal gone bad, or he fell down an escalator.

The revelations came in Chicago during the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of North America. The forensic experts chose Chicago because, well, it’s got the best damn pizza in the world, and the hot dogs come with a pickle spear—that’s why!

The Stone Age corpse was examined with high-tech CAT scans and X-ray technology, which revealed many serious injuries, including the broken ribs and jaw on the man’s 5’3” frame.

And scientists said even more sophisticated equipment was used to determine if the Iceman’s feelings may have been hurt by the merciless teasing of classmates about his height.

“Because he has a lot of injuries, one could speculate that he was trying to escape from some human trauma,” a forensic radiologist from Houston said.

When asked whether one could also speculate that several thousand tons of shifting ice resting atop the man’s body for more than 5,000 years could possibly have caused any of the damage, the forensic experts responded with great anger.

“Yeah, sure,” a spokesman said. “And won’t that sell a lot of books or a screenplay? Jerk!”

I hear Charlie Sheen is available to play the role, but personally, I think that because of his physical stature, Tom Cruise is better-suited for the part.

While scientists have not positively determined his origins, most believe he is an example of Early Italian Man. This is because of the position of his hands at the time of death, which indicate that he was moving them rapidly back-and-forth and up-and-down in great gestures—as though he was talking.

Studies show that the man had dark hair and a beard, and that he probably wouldn’t have looked very exceptional at all if he were alive today and walking down the street in European clothing.

Even the 5,300-year-old man’s smell would not make him stand out in a crowd of European men, according to a joke from some incredibly insensitive person I refuse to identify.

OK. It was Jay Leno.

Studies also report that Iceman’s death followed a “personal disaster with a departure in full flight.”

For those of you not familiar with scientific writings, what that means is some horrible bully smacked Iceman over the head, and then, Iceman ran away screaming. Tsk. That poor little hairy Stone Age Sissy.

These experts also claim their tests have shown that the Iceman had—honest—cholesterol problems. This likely came from consuming red meat. And as we all know, eating it from a living, thrashing animal can really play havoc with the cholesterol.

They say that Iceman’s colon remains intact, and may still have remnants of food in it. Sheesh. I can’t wait for the National Society of Proctologists to give us all the details about that little adventure.

Now, consider the source here, but speaking as a hairy Stone Age Sissy myself, I sincerely hope that after at least 5,300 years, this will be the generation that finally puts an end to bullying.

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Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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