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Tea Party

By Lavender May 5, 2011

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With the lusty month of May here, it’s the season once again for afternoon garden tea parties.

I’m excited to throw my own tea party, and I’m sure everyone who came to my recent body-piercing fest, at least everyone whose wounds have healed, and who aren’t participating in the class-action lawsuit, will be happy to join me. OK, so it’ll be me; my friend, Jeff; the dog; and loony Aunt (You Know I Was Once A Showgirl) Ebba.

Being the self-proclaimed “Queen of Tea,” I must emphasize that proper tea etiquette dictates guests be handed their tea-filled cups using a “serviette,” not a common napkin. Napkins are for formal family gatherings, so Gramps can wrap his uppers in something besides his one good sock.

Of course, the bottom of your T-shirt is for picnics.

There are many other tea etiquette rules. For example, you must never, ever fill a cup more than halfway. Guests who consume too much of the caffeine-laden tea have been known to behave bizarrely, and actually ask for seconds of the cucumber finger sandwiches.

When pouring tea, ask guests if they would like cream. But do not actually use cream—only milk. This practice dates back to Queen Victoria, who mistakenly put cream in a guest’s tea. It curdled, and the guest proceeded to place a Big Ear/Bad Marriage curse on all future royals.

If a guest requests a sugar cube, the proper response is not, “Geez, we used to drop LSD on sugar cubes in the ’60s,” but rather, “One lump or two?” Otherwise, you run the risk of having a guest slap you silly with a cute little white glove.

Which brings us to the topic of dress. Along with gloves, recommended tea-party attire includes classic Chanel knit suits, pearls, bow-trimmed Ferragamo flats, and veiled hats.

Good idea. A disguise.

Of course, all my gay male friends already have a fabu tea party wardrobe in their closets.

Now, just between us, if you truly wish to have a tea party worth remembering—just replace the tea with bong water.

Well (shrug), consider the source here, but a good time will be had by all.

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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