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Quacks Like a Duck

By Lavender April 8, 2010

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For most of us, I believe the answer is obvious: It doesn’t matter what the hell we want—our insurance rep will make that call.

Ironically, while sifting through old magazine remnants at HCMC’s emergency room waiting area, I stumbled upon a 15-year-old copy of Life Magazine containing an article that actually addressed this very current-affairs issue.

The article, titled “The Healing Revolution,” chronicles the sweeping changes in health care in America, revealing that traditional doctors are now becoming more intertwined with things that grow from the earth. An example of this would be a doctor hooking his golf ball into the rough. Padum-pum.

No, really, an example would be the Harvard, Yale, and Johns Hopkins medical schools, which now offer courses in alternative medicine, including yoga, meditation, and herb therapy. Among them, only yoga has met with some resistance, as doctors quickly realized that when a patient is sitting in the yoga position, it is almost impossible to get at his wallet.

Among the leaders in alternative medicine is the Great Oprah’s latest TV star, Dr. Mehmet Oz, a highly skilled heart surgeon and hottie. I now pass along many of his observations because of his vast insight; because of his willingness to speak openly about New Age medicine; and, of course, because I can end each quote with the words “according to the great and powerful Oz,” and we can all have ourselves a good chuckle.

“Science is a remarkable thing,” according to the great and powerful Oz. (See?) “My career is built on a scientific bias. But I also recognize that there are areas where science doesn’t have all the answers.”

(An example of this would be Heidi Montag. Sticking with that example for just another moment, it should be noted that science does have a lot of questions.)

The Life article opens with a scene in an operating room. On the table is a Mr. Randazzo. Performing heart surgery is a seven-member team, led by the great and powerful Oz. But near Randazzo’s head is an energy healer, whose hands are making gentle, circular motions above his forehead.

The energy healer believes that “a person’s energy field extends beyond the skin into the air around him, and that by consciously directing the flow of energy through her hands to the patient’s body she can—without even touching the patient—help stimulate his recovery.”

Three days after surgery, and having—in strict medical terms—“his energy field tinkered with,” Randazzo was recovering nicely in this hospital room and exercising. (On the downside, each time he did a sit-up, the hospital’s power went out, sending the billing department into hysterics.)

Critics allege, however, that some doctors might be riding this wave of New Age medicine all the way to their beachfront condos in Hawaii.

From the Life author, after attending the World Congress on Complementary Therapies: “I am disheartened to watch a medical professor wind up her seminar by flogging medical videos she helped produce, then carefully enunciating the toll-free number for ordering them.”

Proof, once again, that flogging anything at a public seminar is not a terrific idea.

Another proponent of this form of wacks…I mean, alternative…medicine is Dr. Andrew Weil. His recent book, Spontaneous Healing, outlines an eight-week program for healing the sick.

Weil’s prescription: “Deep yoga-breathing, eating garlic and fish, buying fresh flowers, making a list of friends who make you laugh, and going on a ‘news fast’ (no TV, radio, or newspapers). He also recommends falling in love.”

Makes sense to me. Especially fresh flowers. This way, when you drop dead, your loved ones won’t have to go scrambling all over town before the funeral. Oops. Do I sound like a skeptic? Well, hell, consider the source.

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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