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On Purpose

By Lavender December 2, 2010

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Having failed in a personal quest to find purpose in my life, I recently created a task force to conduct a search, and report back to me on December 1.

The committee, composed of community leaders, clergy, and cliff-divers, met at 8 PM on my birthday, November 17. The minutes from that meeting follow:

1. Committee chairman Rufus Williams moved to disband the committee, citing exhaustion.

2. Joanne Flugal seconded the motion, citing futility in the committee’s mission. Flugal, who is responsible for finding prospective employers, shared the results of her search with the committee:

“One hundred local companies were contacted. I explained, in detail, our goal to provide purpose to Ms. Dafydd’s life. Only one company, Boundary Water Taffy, expressed interest. Though no job was available, they offered to keep Ms. Dafydd’s résumé on file for one year. They then issued a challenge to all industries to keep the Dafydd résumé on file for a year.”

3. Reggie Mayfield, who had led the committee’s facility search, reported back on his efforts to find a place for Julie Dafydd to loiter, if employment proves unattainable:

“Most of the facilities I contacted were familiar with Dafydd’s work in this area. The only enthusiastic response, however, came from a Denny Hecker used car tent.”

4. Next to address the committee was Sanford Payrack, a lifelong member of Villagers Unite! It’s a community volunteer group that has spearheaded numerous grassroots campaigns:

“I demand to be paid for this crap!” he said.

5. State Senator Missy Bachman spoke of pending legislation to provide state-mandated purpose to Dafydd’s life:

“I have recently authored a bill that would allow Dafydd unlimited use of the phrase: ‘We now compete in a global marketplace.’ It got me elected without knowing anything, and should be made available to those who desperately need to make an impression.”

6. Chuck Millman reported to the committee on bids he has received to restring Ms. Dafydd’s childhood softball mitt:

“As the committee knows, I have long felt that repair of said mitt is certain to lift Julie’s morale, and make her more of an active participant in Nerf Ball-catching events staged in her apartment.

“We received three bids:

Zimbrose Stitching—$23

Leonard Leatherworks—$33

Target Stadium Commission—$2.83 million

“I recommend the contract be awarded to Mr. Zimbrose, and he be adequately forewarned of the condition of Dafydd’s apartment, and he be required to view it beforehand by watching outtakes from an upcoming episode of Hoarders.”

7. The committee recessed for 10 minutes, and began an impromptu game of craps.

8. The committee reconvened to discuss the chairman’s motion to disband. In an informal voice vote, the tally was: yeeehahhh!

9. Jeff Crump, a purported friend of Ms. Dafydd’s, asked to address the committee. He was allotted two minutes, and charged $6. Crump’s remarks follow:

“I have known Julie for at least a few weeks. In that time, I have seen her transformed from a slothful recluse to a shadow of that. She asked me to speak to you, the committee, to give her a sense of purpose by offering her a position on this committee. She, more than anyone, is intimate with her own struggles. In her own words: ‘There are so many different types of cheese these days.’ Please give her someone to share her words with. Thank you.”

10. Chairman Williams moved to charge Crump a $4 overtime charge, invoking a clause from the MSP Airport parking handbook, the Talmud of airport pricing.

11. In another voice vote, the committee considered Crump’s recommendation that Dafydd be included on the committee. The result was an overwhelming: “NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE.”

12. Chairman Williams, after a brief discussion of new business and new cheese, moved for adjournment.

In case you hadn’t already guessed, I have a real problem dealing with the holiday break from college. No homework? No play rehearsal? No student bong parties? I’m a lost woman with no purpose.

Well, hell, consider the source, and meeting adjourned.

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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