Ah, Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year…that is, if you’re on the receiving end of the romantic giving. If, however, you’re the one stuck attempting to be all romantic, it’s like trying to remember the anniversary of the first day you said “I Love You.” Of course, you never thought you’d have to until you were informed otherwise, and then slept on the couch because you failed to do so. So, in the spirit of love, here are some wonderful ideas you might not have considered for Valentine’s Day.
Break Up with Your Partner
Nothing says “I Love You” like stating, “I love you so much that we just can’t be together anymore!” It’s unique and memorable. Your partner—sorry, your ex—will remember it forever. How many people really get dumped on Valentine’s Day? Plus, it saves you a ton of money on food, movies, presents, and gas—the list just goes on and on. Lets face it: In today’s economy, saving money is very important. A day or two later, you can call your ex, beg for forgiveness, and get back together, making for a cheap, memorable Valentine’s Day, and best of all, a happy ending.
Now, this must be planned very carefully, because that fake cough and “sore throat” voice you use when you call into work sick—well, it’s pathetic, and no one believes you. It’s the real reason you didn’t get that raise this year. Your boss knew the truth, but those pesky regulations prevented him from just firing you, and hiring a real employee. So, this fake sickness must be done via text or e-mail. It’s not personal, but shows you are so sick, you can’t even dial the phone, and call your partner to give your excuse. You have to do so only a few hours before your “planned” date for the night, which will prevent your partner from making other, better plans for the occasion, as everyone already will have solidified their romantic evening. Once it is done, you successfully have ruined the night, and lowered all expectations. Congrats on being the worst partner. Therein lies the genius of the plan: It allows you to show up with a single rose (romantic, yet cheap) and a DVD, providing a bittersweet and romantic night that your partner is sure to remember—or slam the door in your face for being a lying bastard. Either way, your partner will remember the night, and that’s the point.
Hitting Up the Straights
Now, this one will take balls on both sides, as going to straight bars is generally an idea that is frowned upon. Gay men need to find their local frat/college bar, and lesbians need to hunt down the nearest strip club. To do so, you need to…um…well…anyway, moving forward, once you locate the chosen bar, you should predrink to get some courage, and then head out and own that bar. Lesbians will be popular at the strip club, and actually may make money—well, probably will make money. Gay men will get looks and comments, and maybe find a new curious “straight” friend. The whole point is that you will also be the center of attention, and the subject of many Valentine’s Day stories. It’s not romantic in the traditional sense, but it will be a memory you can share forever, and bring you closer for sharing it—a funny story to be told over and over to your friends.
But, hey, should these ideas seem a little out there, or downright cruel, you always can make reservations at some fancy overpriced restaurant, buy some flowers and a little present, and be like countless other Americans doing the same thing over and over again. I’m sure five years from now, your ex (who totally didn’t dump you for this—it really was your ex, not you) will be able to tell his or her friends how romantic that dinner was, if only he or she could remember the name of the person who took him or her.