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Historical Personalities Do Stand-up Comedy

By Lavender March 12, 2009

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I recently offered my services to write some political comedy material for our new President to use in his speeches.

Some might find this unusual, but the fact is, many politicians, except that last laugh-riot President, have employed comedy writers. Hiring us not only provides media sound bites, but also gives a politician the illusion of having a sense of humor.

Humor also would have served some of history’s greatest personalities well by spicing up their speeches, preventing them from taking things so seriously, and perhaps most importantly, keeping future generations of students from dozing off during history class.

Call me a revisionist, but I see history as one enormous nightclub, featuring civilization’s greatest personalities doing their stand-up routines.

Amelia Earhart
“I was the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. Actually, a man was aboard initially, but, like so many men, he was unable to make a commitment, bailing out halfway across….These days, my ghost hangs around airports to watch planes. I can’t stay too long, though, because that repeated announcement—‘The white zone is for loading and unloading only’—gives me migraines.”

Napoleon
“Say what you like, but you can’t deny that I halted inflation, made peace with the church, and originated the custom of reaching into one’s own shirt to cop a feel….Being Napoleon is great—they even named a pastry after me. At doughnut shops, I always order three plain, three powdered, and three me.”

Queen Elizabeth I
“My reign took England through one of its greatest eras, but unfortunately, I missed the Beatles and the Stones….I did date Shakespeare, though. Nice man, but couldn’t make a decision. It was always, ‘To neck or not to neck, that is the question.’”

Susan B. Anthony
“I founded the National Woman’s Suffrage Association, which got a heck of a lot more donations from men once we changed the name to Lola’s Peek-a-boo Girls….I’ve always felt a woman can do anything a man can—except, perhaps, make some of those faces that Jim Carrey does….In 1979, the United States issued a silver dollar with me on it. Very flattering, though I would have chosen a more conservative bikini.”

Shakespeare
“Did you know that all the female roles in my plays were performed by men? This was because women were not allowed to act at the time, and male actors enjoyed the sung fit of nice panties. Or is that just me? The only time that got awkward was the long kiss in Romeo and Juliet—although the two stars are now sharing a condo in Stratford-on-Avon.”

Florence Nightingale
“I suppose I’ll be known for eternity as the ultimate nurse, but what I really want to do is direct….I chose the name ‘Nightingale’ myself. It just seemed zippier than my own ‘Florence Durklawitz’….In 1860, I founded the Nightingale School and Home for Training Nurses. The only drawback was, you couldn’t fit all that on one sweatshirt.”

Christopher Columbus
“I don’t want to tell you what I had to do to get financing from Queen Isabella—let’s just say it involved handcuffs, a shag rug, and a chicken….I had three ships—the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. There was a fourth, the Irving, but it got lost, and ended up in Miami Beach.”

Eve
“Don’t you just love how some guys behave like they’re the only man in the world….I used to be unashamed of my nudity. Now, I find myself reading articles on liposuction….And just to clear up a misconception: We weren’t ‘cast out’ from the Garden of Eden—we were tricked. We were told that if we left then, there was valuable vacation property waiting for us just down the road. Damn serpents. But, hey, consider the source.”

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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