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And God Created Women

By Lavender May 8, 2009

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In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. He filled the sky with sparkling stars, planted the soil into the luscious garden, and inhabited the land with beautiful animals—and this was good.

Then, he made man.

God stared at his creation with curiosity. “I know the flowers add beauty, and the birds have the gift of song. I wonder what you have to offer.” So, God in his infinite wisdom tested man. He asked man to locate the nearest refrigerator, and bring back the jar of mustard.

Desperately wanting to please God, man set out immediately on his quest. Days later, God found man standing in front of the white box crying in anguish, begging for mercy: “I am merely a man. Provide a mate-woman for me, and then, I will be able to serve you.”

God rolled his eyes. He realized his creation was flawed, and decided to cut his losses: “I think you will be good for work and for wars, but that’s about it.” So, God banished man unto the desert to seek both.

God decided to try again, and created woman. And she was good. This mortal appeared so remarkably gifted that God decided to let her deal with the rest of life.

On the first day, God tested woman’s bravery. He thought long and hard about what would try her courage. “What sensation can I create that combines excruciating pain with 18 years of ingratitude and backtalk?” Which is how he came up with giving birth. And this was good.

And there was evening, and there was morning.

On the second day, he wanted to assess her sense of charity. So, he gave her in-laws who referred to her as their son’s present wife; he blessed her with stepchildren whose mantra was “try and make me do it”; and he sent her butt-crack-flashing plumbers who showed up five hours late without the right part to fix the overflowing toilet.

And it was so. And there was evening, and there was morning.

The third day was the moment of truth. No creation worth her salt comes without a sense of humor. So, when God gave her children who had only full-blown, drop-on-the-floor, beating-head-to-a-pulp-type tantrums in large public places, he was pleased to hear a giggle.

When he gave her the family dog, whose bladder problems coincided with installation of her new carpet, he heard her chuckle. But it wasn’t until he popped cellulite on her ass that he heard her laugh so hard, it sounded like sobbing.

And there was evening, and there was morning.

On the fourth day, God said: “I want to see how clever woman is. I’ll create a tasteless barnyard animal, and see how many different ways she can cook it. I’ll make the family’s paycheck not quite enough to cover the bills, and let’s see if she can find the one store at the Mall of America that sells ‘Tickle Me Into A Seizure Elmo’ during Christmas.” (God was on a roll.)

This day frustrated her. And there was evening, and there was morning.
On the fifth day, God tested her patience. (He should have given her a whole month.)

Her spouse refused to ask for directions when they ended up in the middle of nowhere. Her aunt greeted her with: “It’s been so long, I hardly recognize you. Have you gained weight?” Her children asked, “Are we there yet?” at 30-second intervals on a cross-country drive. Her doctor told her that menopause is a state of mind. She refrained from losing it totally when her dinner partner condescendingly said: “So, you don’t work.”

This morning and evening went on and on.

God was running out of ideas. So, on the sixth day, he told her to join man in the work force; earn half as much for twice the effort; and come home to attention-starved children, laundry piles, and a note from her husband saying: “There’s something I have to tell you.”

On the seventh day, woman collapsed.

Sheesh! And you wonder why God is referred as Him.

Now, consider the source as I say this: Go to your damn phones, and call your mothers this instant! You ungrateful brats.

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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