To Whoever Emailed Me:
Hello. Thanks for your message. I am out-of-office Friday, June 27, through Monday, June 30, returning to my desk Tuesday, July 1. I may or may not respond to you. See below. If your name rhymes with Gryan Rosling, call me. Immediately.
Column Idea Givers: Awesome! Thank you, mister, ma’am, or non-gender-specific noun. I’ll check it out and return your message pronto.
Critics: I was on a tight deadline.
Comcast: Get over it. I’m not into you anymore.
MPR: I am a sustaining member. I love state park passes, but I cannot contribute any more at this time.
Supermarket News: How did I end up on this mailing list?
Any Email Address that includes the words DO NOT REPLY: This is a very one-sided relationship and I feel uncomfortable with your dominance. I am slightly alarmed.
Apple: Can’t you just click “Accept” for me? I don’t read your terms of service and I don’t care that you have a Rumpelstiltskin clause.
2013 Summer Fling: I’m still single. I mean, if you’re available.
Andy Lien, Editor, Lavender Magazine: I know it’s late. I promise I’m finishing it this weekend…Next week…Eventually.
Wells Fargo: Didn’t we just talk about this?
Tinder: You aren’t helping. I’m still single. I want my $0.99 back.
People Sending Bills: Wrong Justin.
Prince of the People’s Republic of Hapstan: Is your country even a thing? It sounds like something from Walgreens.
Secret Admirers: This is the first message from you since high school. Are you spam?
Aunt Barbara: Love you, too!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: OMFG. You emailed me back?! [30-second pause.] Sorry, I collapsed. Sooooooooo…. the universe.
Freshman Year Roommate: I’ve been in love with you since college.
The, The Ex: Sorry, guess my email filter is broken.
People Reading this Article: Hey, you tested it out!
Amazon: I know I’ll save a billion dollars if I sign up for your credit card. Please go away…
Me: I got the email you sent yourself and will probably delete it!
Domino’s: You’re always bothering me! …Okay, I’ll have the usual.
People Paying Me: Your copy is written, even if you haven’t assigned it to me. Send payment.
All Charities: I feel judged. I feel very judged.
Twitter: You’re annoying and I can’t find out how to get rid of you.
UNC-Chapel Hill: I miss you. I really do. But I can’t afford to send you any money. File complaints with Sarah McLachlan.
Men Over 6’0” with Nice Eyes and Smiles Who Are Intelligent, Funny, Courtship-y, Strong-Minded, Sweet, and Romantic: I do.
Everyone Else: All jokes aside, I love you. I love you not because you’re friends or readers. I love you not because you thought to email me.
I love you because you are my family. I love you because you are my brothers, my sisters, and everything in between.
I know you without knowing you. I know that you pick your nose and are bad at eating spaghetti. I know you sing in your car and love cheesy music. I know that your heart breaks when someone you cherish passes you by and that you hope you’re loved by the people who mean the most. I know that you don’t want to feel alone and that you want to feel understood. I know that your proudest moments come from the moments when you are yourself. You make up the colors of our family—Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Trans, and everything in between (including you, straight people).
I love you more than anything, because to me, you are everything.