Dear Ms. Behavior:
My sweet younger boyfriend Jake has invited me to his childhood home in another state for a week-long vacation, and to meet his family. He’s very excited about my visit, and insists that we stay for two of the nights at his parent’s house. We would check into a hotel for the rest of the time. I’m afraid that staying with his parents could be weird because he says they still occasionally ask him if he’s sure he’s gay. Also, we’re in a bit of a long-distance relationship and I want to be able to have lots of uninhibited sex. What do you think? I’m crazy about Jake and hope to be with him forever. He thinks my concern about wild sex is silly, since we have our whole lives ahead of us.
If Jake is comfortable with his queerness at his parents’ house, you’ll have to trust that it will be okay. Bring presents and be charming. More importantly, if it’s erotic excitement you want, hotels are not the only answer. Do not miss this opportunity to sodomize your boyfriend in his childhood bed. Make the hotel reservation for the earlier part of the week, so that you can scream and yell (and hold hands) as much as you want. Then, let Jake show you around his old neighborhood and introduce you to his parents and his siblings. On a quiet afternoon, when everyone is home, ask Jake to give you a tour of his bedroom, showing you his posters, his trophies, his old report cards, and his ancient bong. Touch and admire all of his boyhood possessions. If he has an old high school soccer uniform, ask him to try it on for you, even if he’s outgrown it. Let him read to you from his favorite childhood books. Then, wrestle him onto his narrow twin bed and sodomize him with your hand clasped over his mouth while his mother makes tea and crumpets downstairs and his father reads the paper. He’ll never fall out of love with you.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
During the eight years of a committed lesbian relationship, I socialized mostly with men, as I didn’t trust myself to get too close to women. (I never cheated; I avoided temptation like the plague). Now I am single and enjoy without guilt the lovely company of women. The problem is that I’ve become sexually attracted to these straight friends. Add to it the hormones of a 30-something and a year without sex, and I come precipitously close to losing my mind.
I’d love to add a physical component to our enjoyment of each other, but I’m not looking for a girlfriend. I don’t want to trade my friendships for one passionate evening, perhaps followed by the other party considering herself a girlfriend, having to break up with her, then having to wait the requisite time to become friends again, if even allowed. (This is on the presumption that they would conveniently become bi-curious in my presence).
How can I find out if my straight girlfriends might be amenable to a passionate expression of my affection for them without causing offense or coming off as too presumptuous? (Yes, I have a vibrator, but it knows nothing of caresses, affection, or fondness). Should I just keep life simple (and dull!), and stick to male friends and dead-end flirtations?
Dear Perpetually Frustrated:
You haven’t mentioned how many of your straight friends you’d like to fondle, although your use of the plural pronoun implies more than one. So, is it two out of six? Three out of four? Choose carefully; having your way with all your friends may create discord in your social circle, and may also prompt otherwise courteous people to call you names, like “opportunistic slut,” even if only out of jealousy or insecurity.
Straight women do sometimes fall for lesbians, even when lesbians go to great lengths to clarify their non-romantic intentions. The last person with whom a straight woman has been intimate is most likely a straight man. This is hardly fair competition for lesbians, who are far more practiced in both emotional expression and cunnilingus. Your “passionate expression of affection” may easily be confused with love; plus, lesbians exude pheromones that reduce inhibitions in heterosexual women. So grateful straight women often become lesbian cling-ons, refusing to accept that along with the social and economic advantages of heterosexuality comes mediocre sex.
Instead of risking your straight-girl friendships, why not find a fun sex-positive lesbian (or several) with whom to enjoy erotic pleasure? Despite the unfortunate rumor about lesbians and their U-hauls, Ms. Behavior gets truckloads of letters from dykes who long for passionate sex without commitment who never meet like-minded women.
Should Ms. Behavior start a fuck-buddy dating service for lesbians?