Dear Ms. Behavior:
My friend Dave and I celebrated his promotion by going out for dinner and drinking too much. I’ve always been attracted to Dave and in our drunken silliness, I somehow managed to seduce him. The sex wasn’t great (because of the alcohol), and it’s not something I’d necessarily want to do again. The problem is that Dave doesn’t seem to remember what happened. When I mentioned that night in a recent conversation, he thanked me for getting him home safely and making sure he didn’t go home with anyone. Apparently, he doesn’t remember that he went home with me! I feel a little weird that he doesn’t seem to know what happened between us. Should I tell him?
–Still Hung Over
Dear Still Hung Over:
If only Dave were a straight young athlete or a pizza delivery boy and had gotten tipsy instead of smashed, your story would have all the ingredients of a porn video. But mediocre sex hardly seems worth the celluloid or the hangover.
As a general rule, when a friend has an alcohol-related blackout, it’s probably helpful to fill him in on what (or whom) he did, if only so he can take appropriate action, e.g., apologize, take a bath, find his wallet, etc. In this case, it seems unlikely that Dave would suffer any physical or emotional harm if you didn’t mention it, but it’s creepy to keep it a secret. Tell him, as kindly and casually as possible, about your shared unmemorable sexual experience.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
My dear straight friend Margaret, who’s married to my other friend Richard, is dying to hook up with a woman. Margaret says she’s extra horny now for some hormonal reason that I don’t want to know about, and wants me to secretly fix her up with a butch dyke who’s interested in a fling. I’m a gay man and I do have some lesbian friends, but I don’t know if I should participate in this. I’d like to help Margaret, but I’m not sure I’d feel good about it, because she’d be betraying Richard, who’s a great guy. What do you think I should do?
–Betwixt and Between
Dear Betwixt and Between:
Don’t allow Margaret and her throbbing libido to place a heavy burden on you. You might be willing to pimp her out for the weekend to one of your butch friends if you didn’t care for Richard and have strong feelings about their commitment. But since Margaret isn’t willing to tell Richard about her plans and since you have misgivings about being involved, you need not act as facilitator for her fantasy.
At the same time, you’re not the protector of Margaret’s relationship, so you also needn’t offer her self-help books on restoring passion to heterosexual marriage or withhold directions to the nearest dyke bar, should she ask. If Margaret does decide to try to find a woman without you, you’ll need to set your own limits regarding your involvement. You may feel fine, for example, about offering suggestions on a lesbian-luring hairstyle –so long as it’s nothing too retro or embarrassing, like, say, a mullet—and providing information about lesbian cultural history, but not feel comfortable offering tips about muff diving. (As if.)