Dear Ms. Behavior:
I am happily “married” to a great girl, for seven years now. I was previously married to a man and had had many hetero relationships up until I broke up with him to be with my girlfriend. Since I’ve been with her I haven’t wanted anybody else until now. It seemed like a record for me, but now…I’m in love with someone else. A guy, no less! I know he’s not the one for me forever and ever, but nevertheless I am incredibly attracted to him. What should I do? Is it possible to need both a male and female lover? Could it be that I was just missing a good, hard dick? My girlfriend, who is telepathic, knows about my lust and says, “Him or me.” Of course, I’m choosing her but I really want to have a full-blown affair with him. Help!
The fact that it’s difficult to sustain intimacy and sexual excitement in a long-term relationship is part of what keeps couples therapists, liquor stores, and Ms. Behavior so busy. But your waning lust for your girlfriend or even your attraction to an outside person doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over. It may just mean that something in your life or in your relationship needs to shift.
You say you dumped your husband to be with the woman you’re with now. And you know that the current male candidate wouldn’t be “forever and ever” either. There’s nothing wrong with going from relationship to relationship if that’s what you actually want. But since you describe your relationship as happy, you might take at least a moment for a longer view; lust is intoxicating and fun, but will it ultimately make you happier than sustained love and intimacy? If the answer is yes, you’ll know what to do. Whatever you do, at least make it a conscious choice, rather than allowing it to “just happen,” which is a recipe for a lot of hair pulling and drama.
Even if your relationship with your girlfriend is destined to end, there’s no reason to make a mess of it. For example, your girlfriend has been clear about her feelings, so don’t just allow the straight dude to hang around until your girlfriend gets pissed off enough to finally dump you. Make your decision and then let your girlfriend make hers.
If you decide you’d like to try to stay with her, then it’s worth the effort to try to punch up the passion. If you need her to paddle you and call you a slut, or if she needs you to dress up as the pizza delivery boy, now’s the time to do it .
If you really feel you’re “just missing a good hard dick,” that’s easy; give your girlfriend seventy bucks for a strap-on and let her become the man of your dreams.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
I have recently begun to reconcile with my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for three years. He is in an urban setting working in a sex club and admits to getting sex five or six nights a week. I am stuck in the boonies for at least a year with a job that is great for me professionally.
My problem is that I am jealous that he gets all that sex, and I am lucky to score once a month. I am about as horny as horny gets. I am also scared that with so many partners he will again contract a sexually transmitted disease. Fortunately, the one he got previously during our time together was treatable.
Should I get back together with him? He says he loves me, and is willing to move here with me. But I’m afraid about the disease risk and that he will start having multiple partners and make me the laughing stock of the gay community, which is small.
Also, what do I do about being horny all the time? Cold showers and masturbation just don’t work.
It sounds like you’re not happy with your apparently open relationship. If that’s true, and your boyfriend won’t agree to anything different, he may not be the one for you. Think about that before allowing him to move in with you. Save your tear-soaked tissues for something that isn’t so predictable.
Masturbation does not fulfill the need for closeness, companionship, or love. But if it doesn’t help your horniness, you’re probably not doing it right.