Dear Ms. Behavior:
A few days ago, my girlfriend and I had sex. After I had “done” her, she rolled over in an attempt to do me. It was nearly noon and I hadn’t eaten anything, so I felt lightheaded (I’m very hypoglycemic). I wanted her, but I was suddenly overcome with an intense wave of hunger and dizziness. Just as she was about to touch me, I unintentionally blurted out, “I want a bagel and lox.”
Well, I tried to explain my hypoglycemia, but my girlfriend didn’t seem to understand. My outburst not only broke the moment, it also caused her to be completely turned off to sex with me ever since. She says that it made her feel rejected, and that “yelling about food in bed is what fat girls do.” I think the real problem is that I’ve gained a few pounds since we’ve been together, and she doesn’t accept my body.
At first I was hurt that she didn’t want to make love. Now I feel like she has a lot of nerve. I told her not to call me until she’s read FAT IS A FEMINIST ISSUE from cover to cover. She still hasn’t called.
Is mentioning food in bed such a terrible thing? Is she overreacting? Am I?
Mentioning food in bed isn’t horrible, but bagels and lox were an unfortunate choice because they are singularly unsexy. They’re what your father brings home on a Sunday morning or what your aunts load their plates with at a Bar Mitzvah. If you’d expressed a desire for cherries or chocolates or, (if it had to be fish), even caviar, your request might have been less distracting.
Your girlfriend IS overreacting. Still, Ms. Behavior can’t help but wonder how much weight you’ve gained since you’ve been together. If you’ve gained more than a few pounds, consider why. Not because Ms. Behavior doesn’t accept and love you just the way you are, but because it probably means you’ve gotten a little too cozy and food-centered in your relationship. Which means you and your girlfriend are probably approaching that dreadful point where everything from watching bad television to baking bread takes precedence over sex anyway.
Next time you’re lucky enough to have a sexfest before breakfast and you’re overwhelmed with feelings of hunger, just excuse yourself for a moment, eat a banana or a handful of nuts (or a side of beef if necessary), and then come back to bed newly energized and ready for more sex.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
I have a serious problem. I’m a bisexual woman, married to a wonderful straight man who understands my needs. The main problem is that I don’t know how to pick up, approach, or beg a date with other females.
I work in a hospital where I see gays and lesbians a lot, but I want femmes. Please tell me how to seek out or approach a femme woman to find out if she’s bi. I’m afraid I may get fired for sexual harassment or slapped or met with some other hideous response. I know there must be other bi women around, but I don’t have a clue as to the approach.
Since you work in a hospital, hopefully it’s not the hot female patients you’re after. Ms. Behavior envisions you lurking near their beds while they’re still woozy from anesthesia, and removing their oxygen masks to ask if they’ve ever been with a woman. Or perhaps recommending tribadism as part of their treatment regimen.
Even if it’s other employees you’re trying to meet, if you’re worried about being slapped or sued for sexual harassment, you’re probably coming on way too strong. Ironically, the reason you come on so strong is because you don’t know if the person you’re pursuing is even potentially interested in you. This seems dangerous to both your self-esteem and your face.
In theory, bisexuals have been given the gift of more potential sexual partners than the rest of us. But sadly, it sounds like you’ve been plagued with a difficulty that helps to even the score: rotten gaydar. This deficiency means that you may be sentenced to pursuing big-haired straight girls who are repulsed by the thought of lezzie sex. And if you happen to meet a lesbian who likes you, she may not be into the fact that you have a husband.
Try meeting women through online ads or through friends. When you meet a woman you like, allow it to evolve naturally rather than hunting her down like a potential meal.
© 2012 Meryl Cohn. Address questions and correspondence to email@example.com.