Ms. Behavior

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I am a 22-year-old lesbian and I always fall for older women. Recently I ended up with a 44-year-old divorced woman who has three children. She was never with a woman prior to me and says she could never have a relationship with a woman. She’s waiting for the “man of her dreams”…but in the meantime, the sex is out of this world and I am falling for her BIG TIME.

I know I am just a plaything to her. I outright asked her what the deal was the last time we were together. She said, “I am a raving heterosexual. I would never sleep with another woman. I guess I just have a penchant for you.” PENCHANT? Like this is some credential I should post on my resume?

My problem: I am confused as hell, but she is looking for Mr. Right. And I am confused as all hell. Cut the cord or no? And, if so, that is not an easy thing to do. For someone who is a “raving heterosexual” she sure doesn’t hold back when we are in her bedroom. Help!!

–Hetero’s Penchant

Dear Hetero’s Penchant:

The notion of dismissing a fantastic sexual partner feels tragic to Ms. Behavior. But it’s even more crushing to imagine you wasting your time and passion on someone who’ll kick you to the curb when the right man comes along.

The biggest problem with this scenario is that you probably won’t adequately protect your heart. Penchant Woman will squash you like a bug. Later, when you finally do meet a great woman who is worthy of your devotion, you’ll blow it because you’ll be bitter from having squandered your adoration on Penchant Woman. Then you’ll torture and damage the great new woman, forcing her to subsequently spread her sorrow to another lesbian, and so on and so on, which will perpetuate the cycle of lesbo pain ad infinitum. It’s probably a lot to ask, since you’re young and new to this love stuff, but if you practice a little damage control here, you might prevent the extinction of the entire dyke species.

Ms. Behavior realizes that this is probably a longer view than you want. So, the simpler answer is this: cut the cord with your heterosexual non-girlfriend if you can. Otherwise you risk having her sever it with her teeth, at great expense to both your tender umbilicus and lesbian civilization.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I am an extremely eligible 40-something gay man, widowed long enough to be interested in dating again but not so long that I haven’t been able to shake the awful feeling that I’m some kind of a gay Rip Van Winkle. There are many strange and mysterious things I’m attempting to confront with an open mind, one of which is, What is one supposed to do with those tit rings during sex? Give ’em a tug?

But that’s not what I’m writing about. I’ve never liked bars or really needed them since I seem to attract dating possibilities in my everyday life. In that vein, I’m meeting guys, younger ones, who appear to be gay in every way and even show signs of sexual interest but – at the end of the day – are straight. Could this be? Is there some growing population of quasi-crypto homos? Or are they more likely to be plain old closet cases? I know you can’t answer this question with authority unless you were to meet, interview and perhaps even probe the people I’m talking about. But I would be interested in any advice you have in dealing with them.

–Yours Confused

Dear Yours Confused

Ms. Behavior doesn’t need to probe anyone to know that you’ve been in cold storage for too long. It’s possible that you are mistaking plain old Metrosexual men for your gay brethren. It’s not your fault: some straight Metro men have fastidious grooming habits reminiscent of homos: back-waxing, excessively clean facial shaving, ball shaving, and leg waxing. They smell like gay men, get mannies and pedis , and are quite friendly, but in a back-patting way (not a blow job way).

So it seems like a good idea for you to go where the homos hang.  You need not go to bars if you don’t like them (though that could be a reasonable place to start). Find a neighborhood restaurant, a queer theatre group, a gay poodle club, or a Nellie political organization. Your ability to discern who’s gay and who’s just a little dapper around the edges will soon return.

As a special bonus, you’ll probably find someone who can educate you in all manners of pulling or biting his tit ring in just the right way.

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