Dear Ms. Behavior:
Why do lesbians break up so easily? I believe in staying with the one you love. But I knew someone who dumped her lover for forgetting to put the CDs back in the CD rack. OK, her lover traded the CDs for heroin. So? Everyone makes mistakes.
Another queer I know kicked her girlfriend out after she smoked one cigarette in bed. What about a little forgiveness?
So many lesbians I know have been involved in six, seven, eight “long term” relationships, each of which was supposed to last forever. Any of them could have, given a decent chance. I know you must have lots of theories on this, Ms. B. Maybe it’s because women “fall in love” too easily?
Dear Forever Girl:
Love and sex are drugs in a physiological sense, but like any good addictive substance, they lose their ability to intoxicate over time. Once the novelty wears off, the dopamine surges wane, which means that your girlfriend’s seductive kisses no longer make up for her being 45 minutes late or for leaving her shoes where you’ll trip on them. You’ll also start to notice if she isn’t as attentive as she used to be. At about the two-year mark, unless there’s enough basic compatibility to sustain you both, the concept of a trade-in may begin to feel appealing.
Of course, sometimes leaving is the right way to go; some women can’t be trained out of bad habits. They have sex with their exes in your nuptial bed, or shoot heroin in front of your mother, or leave food-encrusted dishes on your linen sheets, and won’t stop.
But in the absence of such serious betrayal, if the average lesbian trades her girlfriend in for a new one, she’ll only feel drunk on love and sex for another six months or year. Then, the same icky problems creep in.
Everyone needs to decide how many times to go through it before staying to do the work and potentially achieving a whole other glorious level of love.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
The past four times I’ve gone to bars in my hometown, someone in my group has requested that the DJ play a slow song. Each time we’ve been told that it will be played a littler later. I am still waiting.
Being a “baby boomer,” I cannot appreciate the loud, new music. I would enjoy a bar where my friends and I could dance to hits from the ’50s-’80s at a volume where conversation would be possible. I’m glad the bars have finally added bottled water to the beverage list; I would also like to see the addition of appetizers (if nothing more than chips and pickles).
Has anyone tried opening the bars from 7 – 9 p.m. on Saturdays and playing ’50s-’80s music for us aging baby boomers? 10 p.m. is my bedtime. But I’d go every week from 7 – 9 p.m. if country or soft rock were played. These earlier hours would reach out to us older gay people and improve the profits for the bar owners. Or maybe bars might open occasionally on Sunday afternoons for us aging baby boomers. We may be graying, but we do have money to spend. Bar owners are you listening? Can you at least give us a chance to jingle your cash registers?
Bars like to draw a younger crowd. The 20- to 30-year-olds are the people most likely to go out, rather than hunkering down under a quilt with a snack, a movie, and a significant other.
Of course you could always try sending a note to a bunch of bar owners and see if anyone addresses your concerns. Meanwhile, Ms. Behavior’s response to your question took the form of a sexual fantasy of sorts:
You are lying on Ms. Behavior’s bed, holding a clipboard, giving orders. You say, “Move to this end of the bed. No, put your feet here. Why haven’t you provided snacks? You should make more money! I want your hair falling over the left side of your face. Hurry up, it’s almost my bedtime. Slower, don’t, that tickles. Please change the radio station. Stop drinking juice in bed. No, I have to be on top.”
Ms. Behavior emerges from her fantasy in a sweat, and wonders if she should suggest that you work on your control issues.
© 2013 Meryl Cohn. Address questions and correspondence to email@example.com.