I was at home sick last week, which gave me lots of time to catch up on daytime TV. One show that featured a portly, mustachioed faux therapist was about how people evolve from relationship to relationship. This made me really happy, because I always have wanted to grow a tail, and I’m pretty sure the only way to get one is through evolution.
Anyway, this show said that only dysfunctional idiots continue to make the same mistakes from relationship to relationship. But fully realized adults learn important lessons from each relationship, and it makes them better people. And my dream always has been to be a better people.
I’ve been in about 57 relationships, and I haven’t evolved at all. I still have little use for my opposable thumbs, and I have trouble walking upright, especially on Sunday mornings. So, the following is a wish list of ways I’d like to evolve during my next 57 relationships:
• Get a girlfriend from Europe! I think it has been proven by some scientists that Europeans are more evolved than Americans. They spend their days drinking coffee from fancy little cups, and debating physics principles in impressive accents, while we are trapped in foam cubicles, and waste hours reciting one-liners from stupid sitcoms. Plus, Europe owns Sweden, and I always have had a yen for blonde, Nordic types.
• Learn to use simple tools! My ineptitude in using utensils has been a problem in past relationships. My lady friend will make me a nice meal, and I’ll rip into it with my hands and canines before the table is set. It’s just that I get so hungry, I have a hard time waiting for a fork.
• Mimic traits of more delicious girls! This is an important technique in evolutionary science. Here’s how it works: A perfectly delectable butterfly masks its tastiness by taking on the coloring of a poisonous species of butterfly, thus fooling predators into thinking it is the dangerous variety. I would do the opposite. I would disguise my bitter, nasty self by adopting the persona of a luscious, enticing girl. My prey wouldn’t realize it’s in trouble until after it bit into me.
• Become older and sicker! This is a well-known evolutionary principle: Older and sicker members of the herd are the first to be caught by predators. And because I want to be caught, I need to get weaker. Damn me, and my robust good health and self-sufficient ways!
• Grow a tail! I mentioned this above, but I feel the need to explain. If I had a tail, I easily could express emotion, something I’ve been accused of lacking by my past 57 girlfriends. It’s not that I don’t have emotions—it’s just that I have no capacity to express them. It would be easy with a tail, though. I can tell exactly what my dogs are thinking by watching their tails: happy, scared, hungry, anxious. Plus, if it were a long tail, I’d be able to hang from trees, and listen in on conversations of unsuspecting bystanders.
• Get myself one of those big brains! I would rank my current brain size somewhere between a lemur and a harbor seal. I want me one of those great big primate brains I’ve heard so much about. A big brain will allow me to choose a proper mate based on such factors as ability to nurture, gather and prepare food, and pick nits from my hair.
But at this point in my sad relationship history, I really would settle for a tail.
Hey, I wrote a book! You can buy Dateland on Amazon.