A Word In Edgewise: Let Them Bake Cakes

On the heels of Arizona governor Jan Brewer’s veto of State Bill 1062, Judson Phillips, the Franklin, Tennessee-based president of Tea Party Nation, declared, “Tyranny is on the march!” Arizona business owners’ inability to discriminate against gays and lesbians, he thundered, has made them “Slaves to the great liberal state.”

One of Phillips’s dire predictions is that Arizona bakers will now be forced to bake giant penis cakes for bacchanalian gay weddings. Like most homophobes, Phillips views his targets as one-dimensional, non-human beings that conform to his own definition of “gay”–a purely sexual vision involving lurid acts with which he seems more preoccupied than the potential gay wedding cake customers.

Does Phillips truly believe that two men or women who have already been together for years or decades, will, now that they have won the legal right to marry, invite parents, friends, and children to come together and celebrate their solemn vows around a penis (or vagina) wedding cake? Moreover, as many a straight bachelor or bachelorette already knows, adult pastries are there for every occasion, for anyone who can type www.cakes3.com for Erotic Bakery, or any of their several other DBA addresses.

Erotic Bakery started its chain back in 2000 in New York and Los Angeles, and now services adult carb lovers in all fifty states, Canada, and Nassau, Bahamas. At cakes3.com you’ll gain access to the bakery’s vast inventory of cake and cookie selections, or you can sketch your own original idea. “The weirder the better,” as one district manager explained it to me. “You design it, we’ll bake it.” At this writing, products are available through some 2,700 shops, including forty-one in Phillips’s home state of Tennessee, thirteen in Minnesota, and ten in Arizona.

As ludicrous as Phillips’s rantings are to the informed, they are dangerous in that they are aimed at those of his ilk who will never make the effort to meet or talk to a gay person, who will cling, blinkered, to the same-sex-mad visions as their leader. Phillips crying “Penis Cakes!” is disingenuous at best and, at worst, a deliberate lie, repeated to inculcate hatred and fear of those he deems “Other.”

Rest assured, forced labor in penile bakery colonies is not eminent in Arizona–or anywhere else in the country.

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