Welcome to the first lesson of Lesbian 101: Easy Out, a quick-start guide on how to come out. This lesson, and each subsequent one, will be posted at <www.jenniferparello.com/les101>.
So, you’ve decided to be a lesbian. Maybe you’ve come to this stunning revelation after a confusing episode in the ladies locker room. Or, perhaps you experienced a strange but pleasant warmness in your nether regions while watching a Catherine Zeta Jones movie. It doesn’t matter how you got here. What matters is that you are here.
Now, what the hell do you do about it?
Volumes have been written about the coming-out process, many by licensed doctors. But, let’s face it, now that you’ve figured out you’re gay, the last thing you want to do is read a book about it. What you want to do is to start kissing girls…and in a hurry.
In an effort to expedite this process, I am providing you with a few quick steps to get you out of the closet, and into a bedroom posthaste.
(1) Tell your parents. They will be thrilled to learn the news! They probably will throw you a party. If so, make sure to invite me. Even if they aren’t delighted to discover that their daughter is a lesbian, and, say, toss you out of the house, or disinherit you, at least you’ve gotten it over with.
(2) Buy something with a rainbow on it. I never have liked rainbows, even as a child. I always thought they were a bit obvious. But at some point, some gay collective decided that rainbows would represent us. So, we’re stuck with it. Every lesbian owns at least one piece of rainbow paraphernalia. It is your duty to keep the concession thriving. Buy a pin, stick it on your backpack, and enjoy the double takes you get from other rainbow-laden travelers on public transportation.
(3) Go to a lesbian bar. Go alone. Try not to squeal in terror when another woman asks you to dance. The lonely, terrifying experience of going to a lesbian bar solo will make you appreciate how important it is to make friends with other lesbians. (See Step 4.)
(4) Make lesbian friends. Please note: It is very important that you are not attracted to the women you make friends with. You never, under any circumstances, should want to see your friends naked. Don’t think that making friends with a woman is simply a clever tactic to sleep with her. This is not a good plan. We’ll learn more about how to make friends in a future Lesbian 101 column. It’s trickier than you might imagine.
(5) Latch onto a couple of gay boys. You quickly will learn that lesbians are homebodies by nature. Their favorite hobbies are cursing loudly during plumbing projects, and drinking lite beer while watching a sporting event in their rumpus rooms. Your lesbian friends will be willing to go out with you on the occasional Saturday night, if it doesn’t conflict with their bowling commitments. But as a single lesbian, you are going to need companions who always are ready to hit the town, and offer constructive criticism on your fashion sense. Gay men often are overlooked by lesbians, who consider aesthetic sensibilities a poor man’s alternative to knowing how to hang drywall and cut your own hair.
(6) Keep reading this column. Over the next several months, I’ll tell you all you need to know about being a successful lesbian.
Hey! I wrote a book. You can buy Dateland on Amazon.