Congratulations on purchasing the Hot Night Toolkit! If you’re reading this message, you didn’t cancel your order! Thank you. In the Kit, you will find everything you need to make nights on the town, well, hot! You’ll learn how to catch the man or woman of your midnight-drunken dreams and reel ‘em in!
As we reminded you at the time of your purchase, results may vary. Hot Night, Inc. reserves the right to reference your purchase order at any time to recall your name and contact information so we can laugh at you for being creepy and/or desperate. As we do not provide morale to our employees (it all goes to folks like you!), this is how they make it through the workday. Also please note that the Kit is intended for one-night stands only. (If you’re interested in longer-term solutions to your emotional shortcomings, please buy our Warm Night Toolkit, our Warmer Night Toolkit, and the rest of the Increasingly Warm Night Toolkit line.)
Your Hot Night Toolkit contains all the essentials for making your night one to remember (or one to forget, if you want! Whatever!). Included in this package are the Nine Tools for Success:
- Styrofoam popcorn
- Bubble wrap
- A smaller box in the popcorn
- A cardboard divider within the smaller box
- More Styrofoam popcorn
- Symbolic empty space within the smaller box—it’s hope!
- Another smaller box
- Yet more Styrofoam popcorn
- Ingredients to Manipulate People. They’re tasteless!
Before using your Hot Night Toolkit, please take the Hot Night Efficacy Quiz to determine what level of use is best for you:
(1) Are you a douchebag and/or asshole?
(2) Do you want to fall in love?
(3) In addition to sex, would you like conversation during your Hot Night?
(4) In addition to sex, would you like to cuddle during your Hot Night?
(5) Are you annoying?
If the answer to question #1 is yes, please disregard all other questions and begin immediate use of the Ingredients to Manipulate People. You probably didn’t make it this far in the directions, though, did you?
If the answer to question #2 is yes, you’re funny.
If the answer to question #3 is yes, use less of the Ingredients to Manipulate People.
If the answer to question #4 is yes, good for you!
If the answer to question #5 is yes, join the club!
Note: Please disregard all results of this quiz, even though we didn’t give you any. We just include the quiz to make the Kit more legit!
WARNINGS, SIDE EFFECTS OF INGREDIENTS TO MANIPULATE PEOPLE, AND HAZARDS:
(Our copywriter fell asleep while writing this portion of the message and we couldn’t figure out what she was saying anyway, but we bet it was something interesting!)
We’re so very happy you’ve purchased the Hot Night Toolset. We mean Kit, or Toolkit, or whatever. You may have heard that this product is useless or that it brings to its users “false hope,” but with your purchase, you’re employing people like us, and that’s what matters.
Thanks again you for your purchase. We have your credit card number.